We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
