honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
