I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
