i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Found your dick twin last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
