He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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