I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
