I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
