what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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