I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
