I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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