Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
