I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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