Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
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