I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
