You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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