I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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