She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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