So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
