Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
only you would photoshop your dick
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
