youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
