His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
