eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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