Umm I'm too high to move.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
