You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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