I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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