I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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