You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
