we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
