At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
