please come you make the beer taste better
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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