nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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