Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
