You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
