whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
