Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
