You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
