dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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