3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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