I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
