the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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