Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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