i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
