she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
