I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
