She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
