If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
