Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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