My liver just broke up with me...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
