can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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