Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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