stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you never un-have a 4some
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
