I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I supernannyed him into submission
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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